BY Rebellious John Clayton
New York— Fantasy football can be a head-scratching, heartbreaking game sometimes. The week to week turbulence and unpredictability is too much to handle for some football fans. Still, the ones who play religiously know the struggle of being let down when a player listed as probable does not end up starting or a stud quarterback fails to generate any points.
The above reasons are why local resident and avid fantasy football player You was very surprised to learn that when your fantasy team shits the bed, absolutely no one else on planet Earth besides You cares at all.
“How could nobody care?” You ask desperately. “CJ Andersen and Lesean McCoy were two of the safest bets in fantasy and they suck for me this year. Now Jake is gonna brag about how much better he is than me even though he autodrafted his team. This is a big fucking deal.”
Despite Your wishes that someone out there gives any sort of a fuck about the struggles of your team, the numbers do not lie. 99.6% of survey respondents rated their “care about your team” rating on a scale of one to ten as a negative six, with only You responding with a ten out of ten.
“Alright fine, maybe other non-football fans or fantasy football players don’t care when my team lets me down. But I know the actual NFL guys must feel really guilty when they suck for their fantasy owners,” You confidently claim.
Unfortunately for You, You could not be more incorrect. According to Demarco Murray, winning games for his fantasy owners is “about as meaningful for me as the Black Lives Matter movement is to Riley Cooper. We clear?”
Former Rutgers and Ravens running back Ray Rice also added his insight, stating that he “couldn’t sleep at night after the events of last year. Do You think it’s cause I let down a few fantasy owners?
No, you fucking idiots. It’s because I feel remorse for hitting my wife and ruining my career. Get a grip.”