Only Matter of Time Before Local Hero’s Scandal Revealed

BY Randy Butternubs
Irresponsible Uncle

frontpage2SOMERSET, NJ — Olympic athlete and local resident, Jarrel Fogwell is known for his gold medal win at the 2012 London Olympics in Badminton. He is both a national treasure and an inspiration for his community.
However, all that may change before his next appearance at the 2016 Rio de Janeiro games due to incoming reports of his eventual scandal. Anticipation surrounding the upcoming reveal of the homegrown role model’s reputation-tarnishing disgrace has been the topic of discussion for many eager fans and friends of Fogwell. Some have already hung posters of him in their bedrooms with the expectation that they may soon be able to angrily rip them off the wall and throw them, tattered, into the garbage.

“It’s absolutely exciting to watch the media’s systematic process of turning the boy we all grew up loving into a horrid monster worthy of our collective disgust,” says Somerset Middle School teacher Rachel Herbert, who taught Mathematics to Fogwell during his potentially revolting upbringing. “I remember how he would always practice after school every day and I can just picture how he may have been cutting the eyes out of magazine photos or something equally disturbing that led to his derangement. I have so many theories and I just can’t wait to hear what his scandal is so that I can lose all pride I previously had for teaching him!”

The athlete’s achievements have also inspired many fans who are excited to have reality come crashing down on them in due time. One local fan, Eric Doten of Hackensack, shared his feelings on the matter. “I feel like I’m at the peak of a roller coaster,” said Doten, who was inspired by Fogwell to lose 176 pounds after his gold medal win. “I can’t wait until my betrayed feelings cause me to forget all about my goals and relapse into obesity. Jarrel is my second role model, so I’m used to being dependent on the influence of others to form my life goals.”

Fogwell has been tight-lipped amongst the hype surrounding his eventual fall from grace, but our reporters are working tirelessly to bring you whatever we can from digging through his garbage every Monday night at 7pm.

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