Piscataway— The Rutgers Scarlet Knight mascot isn’t over latest slate of Rutgers losses and he is lashing out as a result. Recent reports say that the depressed mascot has been carousing around campus, indecently exposed, screaming profanity and obscenities about Penn State and Rutgers Football’s upcoming opponent, the Kansas Jayhawks.
“Fuckin’ perverts!” the intoxicated mascot screamed. “And what in the fuck is a Jayhawk? Fuckin’ stupid birds.”
Things got really bad when the mascot got too drunk on a thirsty Thursday at Olde Queens Tavern. According to doctors he was highly intoxicated and had signs of MDMA and cocaine in his bloodstream. After suffering from a heat stroke in the tavern’s sardine-like environment he collapsed on that chick that is always at Queens. He spent the night in jail, sharing the cell with the five former Rutgers football players and their defense.
Robert Barchi, president of Rutgers, had this to say: “First off, I’d like to commend the RUPD for their astounding dedication to this manhunt that I totally called for. Next off, I’d like to apologize to Penn State and to Kansas for the reprehensible actions of our mascot. This behavior does not represent the opinions of the average Rutgers fan, or the fan base as a whole. Actually, it does. But most folks are decent enough not to yell it in public.”
The president then spoke of how he builds way better clocks than Ahmed Mohamed before he was escorted off the podium for going off topic. Following the President’s conference, the Scarlet Knight Scheduled a conference of his own.
“I know my actions were wrong! Sometimes as a fan, or fanatic, you get carried away in the game and lose sight of the line between football and reality. I only did what I did because I love this school, and I love this job! Remember- I BLEED RED! From now on I will be sober, and smarter, when wearing this uniform.
But that doesn’t mean those NITTANY PUSSIES AREN’T PERVERTED SHITSTAINS!”
A pumped up audience embraced the hero as he posed for pictures again, free of charge.