BY Walter Cronkite, Jr.
NEW BRUNSWICK—After recently installing over $100,000 worth of video cameras and motion sensors throughout the off-campus housing areas on the College Avenue campus, RUPD reports most of it was stolen over the weekend. The equipment was installed to deter and combat future local criminal activity.
Frantically reacting to the multiple arrests of Rutgers football players, the University and local police failed to realize they were leaving out in the open the highly valuable items. “Yeah man, I mean it was like Christmas in July or whatever,” said Darryl Marquez-Horowitz. “It was just all there for the taking. And now that it’s been fenced, I have all this money for the strip club. There gon’ be some titties in mah face!”
Students and local residents are fearful and are smearing lambs’ blood around the doors of their houses, hoping reverting to ancient traditions will save them. The University is dumbfounded and will likely relent and allow crime to continue. They explain that if they appropriate another fortune to hindering crime and illegal activities, recruiting for athletic programs will suffer. “With the 250-year anniversary celebration, we cannot be bothered with the actions of these thu—hooligans,” stated President Robert Barchi at a press conference.
“This is just a distraction, and I won’t let this get in the way of turning up for the big celebration. Woop woop!”
According to multiple sources, the stolen items have been peddled for used textbooks, condoms, crystal methamphetamine, and baby wipes. The police have reportedly given up their search for the perpetrators and will likely let the neighborhood of New Brunswick tear itself apart. But that crime alert guy, Brian Emmett, is having a field day and hopes this never stops. He was contacted for a statement, but offered only a maniacal laugh—nothing to look into there.