STUDENT STARVES, FRATERNITY BLOCKING BROWER STEPS TO BLAME

BY VINNY PEPPERONI
BADADA BOOPI

TABLES WITHOUT FOOD Members of the BRO fraternity obstruct one of Brower's multiple entrances.
TABLES WITHOUT FOOD
Members of the BRO fraternity obstruct one of Brower’s multiple entrances.

NEW BRUNSWICK—A Rutgers University student died of starvation on Monday after failing to enter the Brower Commons because of an obstructing table set up by the Beta Rho Omega fraternity on Brower Steps.

The deceased student, Frankie Chizzato, 21, successfully pushed his way through the myriad of people posted up on the Brower steps that Monday evening. According to student witnesses, there were many individuals on the steps of Brower that day giving out promotional material, but Beta Rho Omega was causing the majority of the obstruction.

Graduate student Mikey Gizzo was with Chizzato that fateful day. “I tried getting through the Brower steps but it was crazy crowded,” said Gizzo. “There were so many people there, it almost seemed like I was in a Syrian refugee camp or something. I had to turn back A7after RUPA offered me popcorn because I couldn’t breathe anymore. But Frankie? He just kept on chugging along.”

According to multiple students who were also stuck in the menagerie of student organizations on the Brower steps that afternoon, Chizzato was the only one to attempt to get through the crowd. When he was finally met with the table furnished by the Beta Rho Omega fraternity he found himself too weak to go on. “He just sorta slumped over,” said BPΩ brother Anthony Calamari. “We offered him a flier to come to our rush event where we smoke cigars on our front lawn and he just looked up at us told us to go fuck ourselves. Then he just sorta died.”

According to multiple student accounts, once Chizzato died from starvation, fraternity members then proceeded to draw dicks on Chizzato’s face as they chanted “BITCH CAN’T HOLD HIS LIQUOR!” Unfortunately, the fraternity members used a permanent Sharpie to emblazon Chizzato’s face with dicks. The wake will now have a closed casket.

“I think they were confused,” said that guy who is always handing out those communist, socialist, anarchist or whatever-they-are-supporting flyers. “I think they thought that he passed out from being drunk or something.”

Friends and family of Chizzato are devastated. “As Nutrition major, Frankie knew that eatin’ was important,” said lifelong friend and fellow Italian Club member John Rizzo. “We grew up in South Jersey togetha’, I can’t believe he’s gone. He was like a brotha’ from anotha’ motha’.”

The Beta Rho Omega fraternity has stated that they are not liable for the death of Chizzato. “So what if our table was literally the span of Brower steps?” speculated a BPΩ fraternity member who wished to remain anonymous. “It’s not a huge deal, it’s not like no one has ever died at the hands of a fraternity at Rutgers before.”

A vigil will be held for Chizzato this Thursday on the Brower Steps. The family has requested that instead of candles that mourners bring plates from Brower to be placed on those concrete block things that people sometimes do parkour on.

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