All 3 RUPA Homecoming Fire Deaths: RANKED

BY Dr. Tossed Salad

The brave RUPD put out the fire that was so fucking lit it killed 3 random students.
The brave RUPD put out the fire that was so fucking lit it killed 3 random students.

Monday was the annual Homecoming / RUPA / Greek Week Bonfire, which ended tragically when the fire got out of hand! Taking in the sweet air of Busch Campus feeding the flames of the freshly lit enferno! Quickly it rose to the skies and shot into the unexpecting crowd catching hold of three unaware students, ending their short lives. BUT, which life would have been most worth saving? We have them RANKED!

3. Kevin Wei: Coming in at number three is Kevin. Kevin was standing with his girlfriend Sarah when the fire sprang forward and caused his leg hair and fingers to catch fire. He burned slowly and painfully, but he was only a 3.30 GPA in Pharmacy, so lucky for you there are two people we will miss more!

2. Anderson Jetson: Number 2 is your boy Anderson. He was dancing to Silento, which was being played by a car passing by, when the breath of the Devil came flying through the air, attaching to the poor boy’s skin and turning him into a human roast. Goddamn. But you only had one class with Anderson, it was two semesters ago? Right? General Psych? He sat three seats down, but doesn’t compare to our #1 pick.

1. Monica Wells: Our number one life lost is the one and only Monica, who helped you get a B in Collective Bargaining last semester. You didn’t do any of the readings, didn’t watch any of the movies. But fuck, Monica helped you pull one out of your ass didn’t she? You will miss her every Wednesday afternoon from 6-8pm, but other than that you’ll be just fine.

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