BY Bubbledick Crunchypants
PISCATAWAY – The Rutgers University police department announced this week that they will no longer be giving out parking tickets. In the wake of a massive influx of students that took advantage of the no ticket policy for the first week of school, RUPD will be enforcing a shoot-on-sight policy for all future parking offenses.
“If there’s one thing we take seriously here at RUPD, it is enforcing parking regulations,” said inexplicably named chief of police Kenneth Cop. “We’ve just invested in all new M4 carbine weapon systems and training for all of our parking enforcement officers. If a student tries to park on Livingston in the visitor parking spots to get takeout, we have no choice but to shoot them. These are just necessary measures we’re taking to protect our law-abiding students (the ones who don’t have cars) from dangerous maniacs.”
Some students are protesting the new parking enforcement, such as sophomore and commuter student Daniel Garner, who claims the new policy is way too extreme. “I just don’t think it’s necessary to start killing students because they park in the wrong spot. What if the whole lot is empty? It’s stupid to not let students park in empty spaces. I think the police department needs to focus on other things. My friend was sexually assaulted, and they refused to take her case for six months. They just wouldn’t investigate it. Maybe they should stop focusing so much energy on killing students for parking in the wrong spaces, and more on real issues.”
Kenneth Cop commented on the shift of resources from investigations of actual crime to parking violations: “We barely have the resources to cover all of the parking violations that occur daily here at Rutgers. It doesn’t make economic sense for us to be cracking down on little things like violent robberies and sexual assault. We just have to fuck these students any way we can, and right now the best way we have of doing that is parking enforcement.”
Students like Daniel Garner still don’t believe this quite justifies the killing of students, but RUPD insists that this is the best thing for their safety. “Once a few criminal students with Newells parking passes decide to park at Werblin in the giant empty lot, they’ll catch 70 grains of justice to the brain at 3,200 feet per second. If that doesn’t deter our students from being criminals, I don’t know what will.”