Stat Professor Slept on Couch Last Night

BY Dr. Tossed Salad
Sexual Step Dad

HIHGLAND PARK – As of late last night, reports have indicated that Professor Michael Edwards, a senior member of the Statistics department here at Rutgers University, is about to be in some serious shit at home, and chances are he will be sleeping on the couch tonight. If this scenario plays out as we here at The Medium predict, you may want to consider skipping class Thursday as Professor Edwards will be in a baaaaaaaaad fucking mood. And when we say bad, we mean holy shit bad because honestly, he didn’t even fuck up that bad.

Our reporters have been following Professor Edwards all week very closely, being asked to go away numerous occasions, but hey, we knew he’d mess some shit up if we kept watching, even if it took all damn semester! Edwards returned home Wednesday evening at 4:47pm, and went to go relax after a hard day’s work. Just this semester alone, Edwards has so far answered 143 emails regarding special permission numbers, having to read lie after lie of students saying they are “eager” and “excited” to take his Money & Statistics class, crushing his soul harder and harder as he knew this class was a requirement for all Rutgers Business School students hoping to find a career in Supply Chain Management. Poor bastards. He knew he couldn’t help them now, or in the future.

The rest of his week consisted of answering questions such as: “Is the syllabus on Blackboard?” “How much of our grade is attendance?” and “Do we need to buy the Turning Technology clicker? Why not iClicker?” Obviously, he had a tough week.

Once he was home, his wife, Mrs. Carly Edwards asked him semi-politely to take the dog out for his nightly walk, something Mrs. Edwards has been doing herself, unassisted, the last 4 years, since the soul crushed Professor does the goddamn dishes. Professor Edwards sighed but got out of his “comfy chair” after only a few minutes of moaning like a baby.

After hearing the seemingly harmless sigh, Carly went into a vicious rage: stating the obvious that the Professor never made time for her anymore before continuing in her tirade by referring to him as a “dickless sack of shit” at the pinnacle of her onslaught. Our reporters couldn’t believe what was happening. Damn she was ruthless, as the Professor was in fact not dickless, but rather just had a little bit of ED. Hey it happens, don’t kill the guy over it.

Anyway, due to the circumstances, there is a 83% chance Professor Edwards will be sleeping on the couch tonight, and it is very likely he will still be fucking pissed off by Thursdays 2:15 class. It may be a good time to skip your first class of the semester. Maybe go to the gym? Get a coffee with your roommate who only had a 9:50am class? Anything is better than what’s in store for the poor fuckers who show up.

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