Rantland, A Medium Exclusive: Fire Flood and Hire Me

BY Knowledgeable Sport Fan

The football fiasco on the banks gained even more momentum this past weekend as Rutgers lost in embarrassing fashion to Washington State. The team also lost its best player Leonte Carroo to an indefinite suspension.

It all started before that though, when Flood got enveloped in a scandal involving emailing a part-time lecturer about a player’s academic status. I do not know the exact content of the email, but I imagine it went something like this:

“Hey. This is Kyle Flood. I’m an arrogant fucking prick. Why don’t you walk your pathetic, part-time ass over to your shitty computer and give this stupid fucker an A so he can stop other student athletes from catching balls. Did I mention you should fuck off? Die.”

As if that was not enough, under Flood’s careful watch five hundred or so of his players were arrested recently with tie ins to robbery and assault cases. I don’t really know how many players are on a football team but five hundred certainly seems like a lot to lose. Is this man, who wasn’t aware of everything all his players did during their personal time like the omniscient being head coaches are apparently supposed to be, the one we want at the helm of our football program?

I think not. I think we need a guy like me. I avidly read nj.com and shout things like “why is he open? Cover him!” and “Fuck you ref!” while I attend games. I played NCAA Football 2008 and led the then unranked Scarlet Knights to two national championships. I even relentlessly taunt opposing fans, especially the young ones. What more does one need to coach a football team?
No, seriously, what else do I need? A bachelors at least? Cause I honestly have idea what the fuck I’m talking about here.

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