Our Football Players Are HEROES not CROOKS

BY Kyle Flood

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Call them heroes. Call them vigilantes. Hell, call them the next Batmen.
Just don’t call them crooks!

In light of the recent misinformation on my football stars, I have taken it upon myself to clear up some misinformation regarding the so-called robberies. Does Aquaman wear a mask? Has Spiderman ever broken into a house? Has Superman ever held a gun to a man’s head and threatened him with his life if he didn’t immediately hand over all of his money and recreational drugs?

OF COURSE THEY HAVE!

My football players heroically charged into one of these evil-doers houses, performed an ocular assessment on the ne’er-do-wells, neutralized the threats, and commandeered their money and drugs to later destroy with their laser-beam eyes and frozen breath. Who knows what those nefarious villains would have done with all those drugs? Create a mind-control ray? Enslave a foreign country? Build the Death Star? I’m no scientist, but yes; they would have.

And after these five players literally fought numerous villains and saved our planet hundreds, if not dozens, of times; this is how we repay them? It’s now time for us to save our heroes and bring justice to the real super villain: The Green Ganja

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