Freshmen Excited To Attend Negligent University

BY Randy Butternubs
Magic Dog Editor

ON THE BANKS Class of 2019 start their first and how they will wish it would be their last.
Class of 2019 start their first and how they will wish it would be their last.

NEW BRUNSWICK- With students fresh out of high school and a University with a fresh, new tuition hike, the students of the Class of 2019 are fired up to spend the next four years at an institution that will ignore all of their concerns. In a long-standing tradition of providing young scholars with several obstacles to a healthy education, Rutgers Board of Governors has planned new projects and set new goals taking the student experience into great inconsideration.

Move-In Day proved to be the first taste of what the life of a Scarlet Knight can be like. With many high class student residences being inaccessible until senior year, many students will enjoy concrete-walled dorms, equipped with a complete dearth of amenities.

“We understand that to be a great student, you need a comfortable living space,” said Gregory Tinsely, director of Housing Development for the University. “We understand that, but don’t really care. That’s why we have the majority of our students stay in dorms with no air conditioning and wall apparently so thin, you can hear people bang three doors down. And here’s the icing on the cake; we make absolutely sure that traffic is handled in the laziest method possible on Move In Day, just so students make sure that we ignored every one of their concerns. Don’t like it? Live off-campus. Try it, I dare you.”

Rutgers’ painstaking indifference has reached our new student athletes, as well. New red shirted freshman kicker, Henry Brett, has many things to say since he joined the football team. “It’s great! I don’t have to learn shit, since Coach Flood just has to wink at some stupid [professor] if I get an F and I’m off the hook. Not studying is a great benefit I get for being an exploited collegiate athlete.

Of course, the students of the newly founded Honors College were also quick to express their enthusiasm for their new school.

“I think I’m going to have a great time here,” said Kara Mettler, a freshman living in the new honors dorms. “These new dorms are surrounded by construction, making it exceptionally difficult to enjoy the outdoors or sleep in past seven. Which I guess is good, since I should be studying, always.” Mettler graduated with high marks and honors from her in-state high school, and her decision to attend Rutgers was fueled by its growing reputation. “All my professors are completely apathetic about my education, and most made it crystal clear that their sole aim is research. It’s just like an Ivy League School! My parents will be so happy to hear that.”

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