BY Benedryl Curemysnatch
Local Fire Extinguisher
NEW BRUNSWICK- Thousands of students have started the fall semester, already bitterly disappointed to learn that there aren’t any trays in Brower Commons. Local sources report that the trays have been on strike, demanding higher living wages.
“We’re fighting for 15,” said Tray Rice, a Rutgers alumnus himself, who is currently a Brower tray. “It’s total fucking bullshit. I spent four years here working on my human resources degree, and the only place that would hire me after graduation was Brower. Can you believe that? Anyways, we’re tired of carrying around shit food for a bunch of ungrateful assholes. $7.85 or whatever bullshit we get paid an hour hardly even pays the bills.”
Brower commons has even attempted to accommodate the trays’ demands. However, while the working conditions have improved, the trays are still unhappy, and demanding higher wages. “I don’t like the new conveyor belts. I wish they had put in some sort of elevator cleaning system instead,” Tray Rice told us. “Getting rid of those nasty torture-chamber cabinet things is a good start, but it’s not enough. We need $15 an hour. Do you know what it’s like to have an entire salt shaker just dumped on your face for no reason? Like twice a day that happens to me, and it’s not worth a wage that can’t support my seven children.”
When confronted about the wages, Brower Commons’ manager and avid collector of McCain ’08 bumper stickers, Richard ‘Dick’ Johnson had strong criticisms. “These dumbass liberal trays pay thousands and thousands of dollars for a worthless degree, and then just expect to be paid a proper living wage straight out of college. They just don’t understand the economics.”
“We’ve even put in one of those fancy conveyor belts like all the other dining halls. They just wouldn’t shut the fuck up about it. Now we’ve got one too, and our trays still won’t come back to work,” Johnson said.
Tray Rice admits that he has no plans to return to work in the near future, leaving Johnson in a tough situation. “At least there’s a bright side to all this. No matter what happens with the trays, in the meantime the students are furious. At the end of the day, that’s all we care about here at Brower.”