BY: Dr. Tossed Salad
NEW BRUNSWICK—Early Monday morning, seeing-eye puppy-raiser Stacy Holand was on her way to class at Hickman Hall as tragedy struck when Lionel, her three-week-old Chocolate Lab puppy, relieved himself on an F bus on its way to the Henderson bus stop.
Lionel, who is reported to be “very cute and petable”—at least, before he opened his anal glands—had not “done his business” since mid-afternoon Sunday, which should have signaled to his owner that his ass had become a ticking time bomb.
“Well, he had a late breakfast (Sunday), so I wasn’t too surprised. But I woke up late and…you know how it is…” continued Holand, as she tried to excuse herself for why she blatantly neglected to take care of her canine ward.
A study done by the Proctologist Organization of Oregon, an association with expertise on all things butt, has found that the average dog likes to shit once every 13.5 hours and that they take great pride in doing so in public places. “That is why most dogs are okay with getting trained to shit outside. They like to show off their ‘work’ to the whole world,” explained POO chairman Ed Middleton.
However, Lionel had been keeping his shit inside, stewing, bubbling, and ready to fly out from his asshole for almost twenty hours at that time, making his intestines like a pressure cooker ready to explode.
The occurrence happened at approximately 9:35 a.m. as Lionel started to make some cute but concerning light whimpers to which many people on the bus responded to with eye contact with the small animal and a cohesive “aww”. It was then reported that as the bus started to shake and shudder, Lionel excreted two giant pieces of fecal matter totalling nine inches in length. (It should be noted that Lionel recently switched to dry dog food.) Subsequently, Lionel projected the rest of his shit onto the boots of the two female students nearby who called Lionel a “good girl” even though he clearly has a penis.
“It only got worse from there. It was just everywhere,” explained Holand . She quickly ran over to Lionel to pick him off the ground so he wouldn’t get any of his poo on himself.
“I had to take him to class; he couldn’t smell like shit,” claimed Holand as she showed a disregard to everyone present who had now had to soak up the foul odor of fresh dung in their nostrils. Shrieks of “Eeeww,” “Oh my god,” and “Yo, check that shit out,” rang through the bus before it finally stopped at Henderson.
The bus driver did not appear amused. “I gotta call for another bus and go out of service. I’ll take it to the depot, but I’m not cleaning this up. That’s for damn sure,” he yelled, as he knew he probably would now have to scrub down the whole bus’s interior all because a little puppy had to drop a deuce.
Meanwhile, Lionel watched on without a care in the world, proud of what he had done. At press time, Lionel was sitting with Holand in class, licking his penis because it feels really good.