Eli Y: Wine and Lifestyle (A7) Editor

The only picture of Eli known to mankind.

Eli Y died last night after former sisters of AXO finally figured out that they sent their hate email to the wrong email address. Three years of burning hate fire grew…grew..grew…too the point where the sisters couldn’t take it anymore and had to seek revenge on the poor motherfucker. Known for his laziness, lists, love of wine and all things associated with “life” Eli was internally drowned with melted cheese, Franzia and his own tears. Some people know Eli right? He went here for 4 years. Has glasses. He is currently wearing grey.

Slowly he cried, as the man who rarely showed emotion except for intense hatred and furious anger when people brought up “meme” humor or took too long to make speeches, Eli thought of everything he would never see again. Never again would Eli see cute picture of cats, bunnies, even deer. Never again would Eli think of random numbers associated with nothing. Think this sounds sad? It is, which only made Eli cry more, decreasing his lifespan with every second.

Eli’s highlight of his time at Rutgers is actually unknown, as during his sophomore year he went missing. Not on College Ave, Not Livingston, definitely not Cook! Possibly Busch in the LSM basement which has since been closed off to students. Was it something Eli did down there? We didn’t want to ask because frankly, we don’t care.

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