BY Shreg Giano
PISCATAWAY— Rutgers Men’s and Women’s track teams are launching a new campaign that they will begin implementing immediately. The campaign, given the name #RaceTogether, involves pairing a runner of any racial background with a partner that is of African-American descent. The goal of the program is more or less to facilitate conversations about race between the partners.
“This campaign is going to catalyze the breakdown of racial barriers and bring together our student-athletes in ways that never before seemed possible. Our boys and girls will hugely benefit from participating in #RaceTogether,” assistant Men’s track coach Mark Harris expressed to reporters. “We have to get comfortable addressing that racism still exists in our world before we can change it and we hope that this is the first of many steps in doing so.”
“Are you guys fucking brainless?” Men’s 100M sprinter Isaiah Jones asked of members of the media. “This campaign has nothing to do with facilitating discussion about racial equality. This has one major purpose: to pair slow-ass white people with fast black people who push them to run faster. That’s it. They’re not helping us discuss the past oppression of our people or the modern day issues facing African-Americans. In fact, they’re using us for their own gains and trying desperately and pathetically to garner positive media attention. Please, God, don’t give them any credit for this!”
Women’s distance runner Samantha Springer echoed the sentiments of Jones, questioning “how anyone could possibly focus on a thoughtful conversation about racial inequality, one of the biggest problems facing the world, while running furiously? Maybe, like, discussing it over a cup of coffee would be better? Yeah, I think that could work.”
“There will always be doubters,” athletic director Julie Hermann proclaimed at her press conference, “but if we have an opportunity to help get the conversation going on racism while also making white people run faster, it’s a win-win if you ask me.”