NEW BRUNSWICK – The Boston Marathon bomber, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, was convicted Wednesday, April 8th and found guilty of all 30 federal counts and will be facing the death penalty. Before Tsarnaev gets a chance to face the death penalty and most likely die, the people of Massachusetts thought it would be “nice of them” to ask what his dying wish would be. After contemplating between Disney World, Hershey Park and getting his dick sucked by Adam Levine, Tsarnaev finally decided he would like to be the keynote speaker at Rutgers University and was granted permission by President Robert Barchi.
In 2013, the nation was faced with a devastating bombing at the Boston Marathon. The Marathon Bombers killed four people and severly injured over two dozen people , which resulted in amputations and permanent life threatening disabilities.
The State of Massachusetts itself does not offer the death penalty because they are a bunch of rich pussies. However, because he is being charged with a federal crime, Tsarnaev will be awarded the country’s highest honor for death row inmates. He will be awarded with a “humane” death via a needle full of lethal fluids, allowing him to suffer for hours.
“He’s basically a celebrity, I mean everyone knows him”, commented Barchi, a long time Boston Marathon runner, as he is as old, rich and white as any Massachusetts-lover can get.
Taken aback by this statement, we asked Barchi for further clarification of why he seemed to like Tsarnaev’s appearance at the University.
“I mean when you think about it, he’s really influential. He’s someone who’s affected the lives of millions. Who better?!” Barchi said.
We were also able to score an interview with Tsarnaev himself. Barely able to contain his excitement, he told The Medium “I honestly could not be more excited. I just…I feel like I can really show the students something, ya know? Really be a role model of how to make your mark in this world. How to really shake up people’s lives and get your name out there! After college, that’s what it’s all about!”
After saying “that’s what it’s all about”, like the nut-job he is, Tsarnaev began to perform the Hokey-Pokey.
Should the likely event of Tsarnaev getting the death penalty happen, Rutgers will unfortunately be stuck with fucking Bill Nye.