BY MICHAEL PARRE
So, here’s the thing: You must think I’m a depraved, manipulative human being for fantasizing about sex with a student. But this is my side: what’s wrong with wanting to fuck my hot freshman student? I mean, aside from the stupid Title IX legal restrictions placed by Rutgers that could send me to prison if I break them.
She’s taken four of my classes so far, and has sat in the same seat in the front row each time. Do you know how many times I’ve gotten the “I’m sucking your dick in my mind” look from her? Many. Many fucking times.
And to those of you who are thinking “He’s such a predator, he’s abusing his power by coercing his impressionable young student,” Fuck.You.
I’m a 27 year-old male professor, how dare I try to take advantage of some poor freshman?
Yes, she is a freshman. A fucking 35 year old freshman. How do you take advantage of a 35 year old?
If anything, I want her to be taking advantage of me. Let her be the professor in this case.
Look, I don’t know why a 35 year old woman decided to come back to college to study English literature, but far be it from me to judge. Maybe she’s a divorcee and has decided to “find herself.”
You know what, fuck it. I’m gonna let you in on a little secret. We DID fuck. And it was good.
I have no regrets.
Although I did briefly question myself when, in the middle of me fucking her into oblivion, she said to me, “Katy Perry just really has inspired me to be my own woman. To rise above the patriarchy. Just like that woman in ‘Gone Girl’ did.”
Speaking of, the main dude from ‘Gone Girl’ fucked his student too. And everything worked out just fine for him, didn’t it?