BY JUST THE TIP
NEW BRUNSWICK – A team of Rutgers linguistics professors, in collaboration with researchers from the University of Toronto, published the results of a ten-year long study yesterday in the Journal of Sciencey Stuff. The subject of the study was on the mundane yet consistently argued about subject of the pronunciation of the word “water” within New Jersey. Researchers studied over 560 adults to understand their speech habits during the course of the study.
The study concluded that the difference in how to vocalize the word often comes down to geographic differences. New Jerseyans closer to New York say “WA-ter” and those closer Philadelphia say “wood-ER.”
“Every member of our team has differing opinions,” said Dr. Bruce Tavarez of the Rutgers Department of Linguistics. “The results were interesting, but not interesting enough to warrant continuation of the study. So I went to go see Furious 7 with my son instead.”
The researchers found that the Philadelphia way of pronouncing water was phonologically correct.
“Frankly, I think every person from New Jersey is an idiot,” said Dr. Elizabeth Cruper, Professor Emeritus in the Department of Linguistics at the University of Toronto. “I just wasted ten years of my life.”
On campus, students’ opinions were mixed on the results of the study. “That’s some fackin bull,” said sophomore Tony Mernetti. “What are ya gonna tell me next, my Yankee hat ain’t blue? It’s clearly WA-ter.”
Jessica Stevenson disagreed with Mernetti. “It’s obviously ‘wood-er,’” she said. “This right here in my hand is a ‘wood-er’ ice.”
The report also found that it is a pork roll, not a Taylor Ham; the Flyers suck and Central Jersey does, in fact, exist.