BY THOMAS CHALULA
So yeah, it’s me; you know the one that everyone hates. I dunno, I guess you guys really wanted to get into my head since you all are always talking about me every time I get stuck with any of during a group project. I mean, what do you want to know about me? My favorite color is probably something like coral, and I like long walks on the shore. Oh, you don’t really care about that stuff?
Well you probably only want to know to why I feel I do not need to participate in this group and its efforts in order to get this project done. To cut to the chase, I just don’t think it’s worth my time. Want me to elaborate, sure I guess, got nothing to do anyways since I just don’t plan on doing any work on this project. Basically, I just see how much a waste of time and effort it is to help my group members out. What do I miss out on by not helping the group? They are still going to do it anyways, no matter if I show up or not. It’s not my fault at all that they care more about what grade they get then I do. All I care about is that I don’t get an F for the assignment.
And let’s face it, if you ask me to come on a Sunday, I’ll tell you the Monday before that I’ll make it, but you and I both know that some Saturday night I’ll be drinking and just too darn hungover the next day to make it. It’s not like I forget that we have a group meeting, I just don’t care. But let’s just entertain the idea that I do show up. That should be enough for you guys, and if you assign me something, you’re just shooting yourself in the foot. I won’t fucking do it, so stop trying to give me it. I don’t care even if it’s the easiest part to do, I still can’t be bothered to open up my laptop or take out a piece of paper unless I am going to watch porn or sketch some weird ass ginger-ebony-tentacle-anal porn.
Now some of you may be a little more intrigued by exactly how do I do it? How do I find the right group that will enable me to still not participate in any of the work but still get the credit and grade for it. It’s all about clustering and selection of the right group members. The first thing you need to avoid is anyone that could be lazier than yourselves, but if you plan on doing what I do, there isn’t much competition. Second, find the kid that complained about not getting an A on the last exam and got a B+ instead. These kids are the ones that try the hardest because they are so close to that A (even though we all know they will never get it) so they will be willing to try nearly anything to get one. And finally, an added bonus is to find the students who can’t really speak English or just are too timid to say anything against you directly or to the professor. Not that I am afraid of this, it is just an extra amount of effort of me trying to bullshit my way out trying to explain why I could not help in this group project.
Well that’s pretty much makes you set, now you just go blow them off at every possibility and they will just leave you alone. Except make sure you come to the very last meeting right before class and just type your name in the project before they hand it in. After that, just relax because you’re living the high life now kiddies.