Barchi: Auditions Narrow Down New Local Celebs

By Ya Boii Ya Boii and Paulie Valentine

barchFollowing The Medium’s article last week, President Barchi made and executive order to find the next group of Rutgers Celebrities. Sources told The Medium that applicants were interviewed in front of three judges, Robert Barchi, Associate Dean Lenor Leighhorn, and guest judge and Donald Sterling, who was eager to accept the sum of 13 dollars, which Rutgers surprisingly had left over from the RUSA budget, for his services.

“We are looking for students who are more freaky, more boundary breaking,” said Barchi, “I want to see some fucked up shit. We’re calling it RUFreaky!”

One of the finalists chosen by the selection committee was Pat McGroin, aka Pledging Pat. Pledging Pat is a senior here at Rutgers and committed to joining the Greek Life of the University. His school spirit, tenacity, and multiple failures are what makes him a perfect candidate for the RU Freaky program.

Trying to get involved in a fraternity since his freshman year of college, Pat attempted to join frats such as Theta Chi, Delta Chi, Phi Kappa Psi, Sigma Alpha Epsilon, Tau Epsilon Phi, along with all the other fraternities, getting rejected every time.
“I see that kid on College Ave all the time. Last week I saw him run around the quad behind Scott Hall in womens underwear, twice. I’m pretty sure the second time he was running with Reese’s Cups in his butt.”, said sophomore Jim Nasium.

When approached for comment on the incident, Pledging Paul said, “At that time I was pledging for Alpha Beta C and Delta Epsilon F”. Paul included he also once had to go to a Phi Mu free ice cream event and after receiving the ice cream, shove it down his pants and ask the women if they wanted to get “brain freeze”. He is still frat-less.

Unicycle Guy was chosen unanimously by the committee for his unilateral lifestyle. Nephew of the Unabomber, he rides a unicycle to class everyday while rocking a unibrow and a skin tight unisuit. He is uni-balled so riding to class everyday doesn’t hurt his crotch.

“It’s really convenient for my lifestyle actually,” said Unicycle Guy. “There is a lot of room down there.” He is not Unisexual according to his medical records, the singularity happens naturally.

Colonial Catherine, sporting a tricorne hat and traditional pantaloons became an instant favorite of the judges. A regular red-coat she hates yankees and anyone who fits the slave demographic, making her an appealing candidate.

“By choosing a racially questionable ‘Freak’ we create an authentic caricature representing the real america ” said Guest Judge Donald Sterling, “I’d even go as far to say that it’s synecdoche for how I live my life… racist” Colonial Catherine
never leaves her character but does use the utilities available to Rutgers Students. Peering through her spyglass she reports, “Doth passeth a double E.” She also writes with #2 ink and quill on all her exams while keeping a tight grasp on her overcoat. She stays all natural. Her hygiene was disputed by the judges, but it was decided that a mix of feces and an accumulation of vaginal secretion was truly authentic.

“She fucking stinks,” said Danny Nikolov who sits next to her in what she calls The War of Northern Aggression class. “She doesn’t put on deodorant at all, and God forbid, there are always weird stains on her. I wish she would shower.”

There are also some honorable mentions from the auditions as well. Groundhog Girl, much to her dismay, was deemed too close to Squirrel Guy who Rutgers saw three years ago. Backgammon Guy felt he was discriminated against because of the outdated nature of his game although he persists it will be the next “Rutgers SnapYak”. Scott Baio Kid came in fourth place. When asked to comment he responded, “I dont even know who Scott Baio is, I just had to take a shit, I thought that room was a private bathroom.” The final honorable mention was Anti-Vaccination Andy, who adamantly wanted to support the anti-vaccination community. Unfortunately Andy did not finish the interview process due to the fact that he died halfway through.

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