BY Art Vandelay
Tiger Woods, seen here celebrating after scoring with 3 female reporters following his announcement!
Jupiter Island, FL—News this week came from Tiger Woods, the former number one golfer in the world and winner of 14 major championships. In a statement released Tuesday, Tiger explained that he would be leaving the game of golf indefinitely, waiting until he feels his body has “gorged itself on the otherworldly levels of pussy that [he] used to enjoy,” before returning to the game
Tiger added much more during his press conference. “Look, I know I haven’t been myself since those sluts ruined my marriage and totally cock blocked me with that fine piece of ass that was my wife,” Tiger said, referencing his 2009 infidelity debacle. “You would think that after gracing them with my slightly above-average penis they would have kept their mouths shut.” After a minor tangent, Tiger talked about his most recent leave of absence from golf.
“I had an epiphany the other night. I was at my best when I was being me, a straight pimp and banging big tittied chicks on the reg. I was winning, I was the fucking man. In order for me to improve my game and get back to winning, I need to start banging mad bitches again.” When asked what approach he would take to “bang more bitches”, Woods offered a simple explanation. “Money, my friend. All I got to do is walk into a club and 10 minutes later I can have any broad in the place. You show them Benjamins, they’ll show you their sweater puppies and it’s up to you to take them for a walk. Did I mention I have a slightly above average penis?”
Woods then said he hopes to return to playing competitively before the summer, to which the PGA television broadcasters all responded, “Thank fucking god.”
The Medium 