RUTGERS IN DIRE NEED OF LOCAL CELEBS

BY Ya Boii Ya Boii and Paulie Valentine

barchNEW BRUNSWICK – The Rutgers New Brunswick community of students has lost three of our popular members. Cape Girl, Segway Guy, and Mini Husky Guy. Each has moved on to a new stage of life.

“It’s a real loss,” says President Robert Barchi, “These three academically mediocre students gave our university a charisma that we fail to achieve from literally any sport.”
Cape Girl© instantly became a celebrity after she could not remove her cape from Halloween weekend after three straight days of being Dracula for Halloween. Cape Girl© revelled at the chance to be a Rutgers sensation and fancied being at the center of many conversations. Make that the butt of many conversations.

“Cape Girl© makes me laugh every time I see her,” said freshman Jon Reremy, “Seriously, what kind of noodle wears a cape at college?”

Cape Girl© became a pilot shortly after graduating early in the fall of 2014. She landed a job with Malaysian Airlines. She took her final flight aboard Malaysian Airlines flight 370 on March 8th, 2014. Cape Girl© was apparently not good at flying.
Segway Guy, was made legendary by his twice weekly 1:15pm ride down College Ave. No one knew much about his personal life.

“That segway never left his side” said his freshman year roommate. “He would even bring it into bed with him. He brought some girls home a couple of times, I wonder how they fucked? The handle bars were always moist.”

Segway Guy couldn’t handle being “fresh as fuck” sources say, so he drove his Segway i2 off the George Washington Bridge.

Mini Husky Guy, as The Medium reported early last year, was “Knee deep in pussy.” Once the story went viral, things escalated quickly. He could not stop the pussy that would step in. It kept getting deeper and wetter. He had to move out of his apartment because of massive flooding of vaginal secretions. In that great flood, the husky died.
“It’s a tragedy,” said Jenna Dean one of the original pussies, “it’s too much for anyone to handle.”

A week later Mini Husky Guy drowned in pussy .
A source inside the president’s office speaks of official actions being taken to recruit new members of the community to fill the void. The project is codenamed Project RUFreaky.

“We need to get more crazy,” says the source, “these students have a noble geeky hero quality to them. We need to find more literal crazy people. World Star Hip Hop crazy.”

If you have ideas for the Project RUFreaky, tweet @TheRutgersMedium with the hashtag #RUFreaky.

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