Pope Urges Catholics to Stop with First World Problems Business

BY Marissa Mart

Lenten Defecation  A constipated looking Pope Francis holds it in during daily Mass
Lenten Defecation
A constipated looking Pope Francis holds it in during daily Mass

VATICAN CITY- How many times have you ever had to suddenly take a shit and there was a bathroom nearby. Consider yourself lucky, Pope Francis says to all Catholics participating in Lent this year. People in third world countries don’t have that luxury and are forced to hold their bowels in and grace the world with their constipated farts.

The Pope is pleading with all Catholics this Lenten season to develop an appreciation for their first world problems, because, as he says, they are not third world problems.

“And what about when your cat spits out hairballs over the carpet! People in developing countries are starving and could eat that cat. We better appreciate what we have.”

The Rutgers Catholic Students Association is taking the Pope’s proclamation to heart and will be tabling at student centers on Ash Wednesday to assist students in this endeavor.

“Some people think we’re only doing this so we can get people to stop complaining about their first world problems, and that’s 85% true. The other 15% is our duty as Catholics to ensure that people stop complaining about their first world problems,” said Andrea Tomitz, director of outreach for the Rutgers CSA. Some of their tabling activities include writing in Moleskin dream journals, yoga workshops, and feel-good Alternative Breaks trips to developing countries. All Catholic students, staff, and faculty are invited to join the church in humble acceptance of first world problems this Lenten season.. roblems,” said Andrea Tomitz, director of outreach for the CSA.

Some of their tabling activities include the writing in Moleskin dream journals, yoga workshops, and feel-good Alternative Breaks trips to developing countries.

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