Volume XLIX Issue II
BY Shreg Giano
PISCATAWAY— College students and common folk alike think that being a college football player is filled with glorious parties, intense on the field action, and light course schedules. If thinking about the football player’s experience during the Fall semester, they would be correct. However, at Rutgers University, officials pay little to no mind to football players during the semester, forcing most of them to take on-campus jobs for no pay just to stay enrolled.
“Oh yeah, the football team is amazing during the Fall. The way they energize the campus and surrounding communities, it’s just incredible to watch,“ said President Barchi at his latest press conference. “And I won’t pretend to not understand the revenue they bring in. The team really is crucial for our brand.”
“But when the Spring hits, they don’t do jack shit to help me, so why should I help them?” added Barchi. “Those bastards need to keep making at least a little money for me, or else I have no reason to keep them around!”
The NCAA was very pleased to hear the news about the new system Rutgers was implementing. They toured the Rutgers facilities on Monday and were very pleased, noting the agility of running back Justin Goodwin as he weaved a snowblower between paths on Douglass, the power that guard Kaleb Johnson displayed hauling around bags of salt, and the quickness receiver Andrew Turzilli demonstrated while swiping students into the Livingston Dining Hall.
Next season, students and fan can expect to see Leonte Carroo adding to his receiving touchdowns record at High Point Solutions stadium. In the meantime, they can expect to receive a delicious heap of pulled barbecue chicken on their plates during his time behind the counter at the Busch Dining Hall.