Volume XLIX Issue I
BY REBELLIOUS JOHN CLAYTON: SPORTS EDITOR
Phoenix, az—After winning their fourth Super Bowl in thirteen years, the Patriots are being hailed as a modern dynasty. Many consider them the class of the NFL. Their quarterback is a superstar who has gotten over his Giant demons and will likely go down as the greatest to ever have played the game.
Watching all of this unfold has been surprising for everyone involved in the league, from the owners all the way down to the fans. But perhaps those most surprised by all of this are the Patriots themselves. Not because their sixth round draft pick turned into one of the greatest players of all time. Not because they beat “The Greatest Show on Turf” in the Super Bowl as a 9-7 team. Not because they came back from a ten point deficit in the fourth quarter of Super Bowl XLIX against the best defense. No, the Patriots expected to do those things. In fact, in their eyes, they were all but guaranteed to do them.
“Surprised we won? Of course not,” a cheery Tom Brady told Medium reporters. “What we’re surprised about is how fucking clueless the NFL, our fans, and everyone who supports our accomplishments are.
“I mean Jesus, it’s all right in front of them. Of course I look like a great quarterback. I knew the calls of every defense I was playing against for years! How the hell could we have lost?”
Coach Bill Belichick shared Brady’s sentiments and feelings of disbelief of how light their punishments have been when asked how they got back to their winning ways after two straight Super Bowl losses.
“Well obviously the whole videotaping other team’s practices thing helped us tremendously to win the first three Super Bowls. We get caught doing it straight up, and what, I get fined $500,000? Big fuckin’ whoop.”
“But yeah, after getting caught, we went for that whole ‘Not Cheating’ thing at the behest of our executives when we played the Giants in those two Super Bowls, and I think we all know how that worked out. So I’ll definitely credit this win to the NFL for once again enabling our cheating ways, even though I can’t for the life of me understand how they could be so God damn naive.”
Patriots owner Robert Kraft echoed Bellichick’s regret of how they handled the seasons in which they lost the Super Bowl.
“I don’t even know why we stopped cheating. It won us three Super Bowls, and we got a slap on the wrist. We would have surely won two more rings if our cheating had been up to par those years,” speculated Kraft.
The residents of Foxborough, Massachusetts could not care less whether the Patriots cheated right now, and the party will rage on there for awhile. Unfortunately for them, there will be a huge damper on their celebration when, three months from now, after hundreds of hours of television experts recognizing the Patriots’ and Tom Brady’s greatness, the NFL finds them guilty of cheating against the Colts and takes away a future seventh round draft pick.
“Yeah, that’ll teach us!” Joked Brady.