Volume XLIX Issue I
BY PAULIE VALENTINE: MANAGING EDITOR
BOCA RATON, FL—Members of the terrorist organization Boko Haram, including their leader Abubakar Shekau, have been spotted at a resort in Boca Raton. According to a source in the Nigerian government, after two successful major abductions of female students and many hostage payoffs, the cash-rich organization has decided to use its funds for vacation.
“I think we deserve this,” said leader Shekau in a video released by the organization yesterday via their Instagram account. “We’ve been doing a really good job at purging Western education out of our country, it’s only right we have some fun and some cosmos!” Shekau then went on dancing in his new swimwear and shooting rounds off a machine gun propped on his groin.
The militants will be staying at the Waldorf Astoria Boca Raton Resort and Club. Their accommodations are extremely private and upscale ; Members have been seen on various balconies on the sixth floor (outside the penthouse suite) suggesting they have reserved every room on the 6th floor penthouse.
“We value all of our guests equally and discretion is a top priority,” said manager Jared Keip. He was then asked about Haram.
“It is not part of our policy to discuss our guests, privacy is of the utmost importance,” said Keip before quickly excusing himself to deal with an incident involving a gun that was stuck in a hot tub jet. However, the media savvy militants do not seem to be keeping their private workings to themselves. Photos of top officials in the group have appeared in hot tubs and on beaches for the public to gawk at and keep as souvenirs.
The US government is puzzled by how exactly Boko Haram entered the United States. The FBI and CIA are working to understand the break and have dispatched a Navy Seal team to attempt to extract the leader from his afternoon mudbath, however the air space around Boca is impenetrable by anyone who makes less than a million dollars daily.