Volume XLVIII Issue VII
BY JON GALT: NEWS EDITOR
PISCATAWAY—Pooja Patel, cousin of the late Pooja Patel and Apartment Advisor, is on probation for allowing all students under her supervision to engage in underage drinking. She faces dismissal from her post at Silvers Apartments on Busch and possible legal consequences.
Residence Life became aware of the situation when a sour, bilious smell enveloped Patel’s building and mounds of dried vomit were discovered. An investigation was performed over the course of the past month and a case was made that could potentially land Patel in jail.
As Res Life representative Nadia Holmes stated, “Miss Patel distributed memorandums upon each door of her building, instructing residents to attend a ‘Meeting with your AA’ and promising pizzas and soda. Patel neglected to specify the meeting’s location, but she did say the meeting began at 7:00 that Thursday evening.
“Unfortunately, Patel was late to her meeting since she had to buy and transport five Gerlanda’s pizzas, unassisted.”
Chad Lucas Robbins, a resident junior, provided comment. “We all figured to meet in the grassy area outside the front door. No one showed up. We waited until—like—7:03. I was ready to be outtie. My boy Rajah searched online for the meeting. ‘AA meeting Busch campus’ and came up with an address on Davidson Road. It was close enough to where we were, so we all went. We were surprised at where our phones took us—the basement of a church.”
At the meeting, the group of undergrads was welcomed as “a group of new, disappointingly young faces” and things then got real. Robbins noted, “Everyone was self-critical, but supportive. I’m a lot better equipped to address my compulsion for cunnilingus and my unrelated neck issues.”
After eating some pizza and drinking from soda, the students went outside. A disheveled man, who had introduced himself as Toby, said he was distressed and needed a drink. The students offered him the leftover soda they retained. Toby declined and asked if anyone would be a pal and join him for a quick one at Kelly’s.
“Kelly is this really hot sophomore. I was really crushing on her hard last year and now that summer is over, I’m totally ready to bang her.” Robbins explained, “Of course I wanted to go!”
The students reportedly had a “Hella wild Thirsty Thursday” thereafter. Although they all returned to Busch safely, the night was evidently not through with them.
As one anonymous underage sophomore reported, “We pretty much started vomiting on everything. It looked like Ke$ha’s hotel room when it was finally over. Minus the glitter.”
Patel rescheduled the meeting (with a location) after a week of eating nothing but cold pizza.