Volume XLVIII Issue VIII
BY DR. TOSSED SALAD: OPINIONS EDITOR
PISCATAWAY, NJ — The naming of Winker Suite on Busch Campus is a story not many know. It comes from the story of when The Fonz saved Busch Campus from utter destruction and total uncoolness. It was a brisk fall day in 1955 and it was a regular day where students went to class and then studied for Organic Chemistry.
Henry “The Fonz” Winkler stood standing in the Busch Student Center’s bathroom, which is still located by the back entrance near Gerlanda’s, helping everyday people with their everyday problems as he stood looking ever so cool with his amazing hair and slick leather jacket. Just then, the sound of a scream erupted from the Busch Suites. The Fonz quickly jumped on his motorcycle, which yes, was parked in the bathroom because fuck it, he was Fonzie.
He took off through the main part of the campus center before realizing that he was not on the set of the popular sitcom Happy Days, but rather he was in real life, and he was just Henry Winkler, and immediately screamed “Oh Holy Shit!” realizing he did not have a motorcycle license or any real riding ability and quickly jumped off. He crawled over into a corner and began the fetal position that would later be made famous in the hit movie Waterboy. As more calls for help rang from across campus Wikler remained in the fetal position, scared to move; scared to be the cool guy everyone thought he was. After 3 days, the calls for help continued and Winkler wondered, “Why the fuck isn’t anyone helping him?”
Just then he knew what he had to do. Winkler picked up his bike, put on his jacket and stepped on the gas to go do what The Fonz would do. And Winkler did just that, until he turned his bike too quickly and fell off and broke his leg. Winkler Suite was therefore named after Henry Winkler so he would not sue the school for damages. And in his honor every year, Winkler’s residents watch one episode of Happy Days so they can all see who their hero could have been.