Volume XLVIII Issue II
BY THAT GUY: CONTRIBUTING WRITER
NEW BRUNSWICK— A recent report released by the NJ Department of Health has shown that the food in the Rutgers Brower Commons Dining Hall is infested with extraterrestrial pathogens. The microorganisms are suspected to have traveled to Earth millions of years ago via asteroid. Upon impacting onto the planet recently, they dispersed to various suitable conditions, such as nuclear waste facilities. The food at Brower, too, has been found toxic enough to be host to a diverse array of extraterrestrial pathogens.
Cryptozoology experts weighed in. “Generally, we’d expect these sorts of beings to survive in areas with low-level life forms”, a professor from SEBS told The Medium.
“Maybe we’d see them in West Virginia, but never here”.
Despite the initial shock reaction by members of the general public, few members of Rutgers Dining Services found this information as a surprise. Bubba Smith, a worker at Brower, told The Medium that he recalls numerous instances of troubles that the workers had with the food. He refused further questioning, and instead elected to teleport through the wall and back to his work post.
Concerns had been raised over the working conditions and safety for the employees at Brower Commons. But upon having the workers go government testing, it was found that the Brower employees could no longer be classified as homo sapiens.
Having mutated to the next stage in evolution, the workers had developed an array of exotic superpowers. Higher-level dining employees are already reaping the benefits. To save money on the electrical bill, for example, some of the Brower employees had elected to cook the food via telepathic mind-powers.
Some changes benefit the employees as well. In the past several months, Brower employees had reported being able to reproduce via spore transfer, thereby “Finally able to get ratio at a frat party”.
At times, the pathogens, already infused within the food would join together and form a colossal Brower-Food Monster. Many described the monster as a humanoid silhouette, roughly the same height as the College Avenue Gym and the girth of an Anime Club member.
The monster has often wreaked havoc and destruction through College Ave Campus and parts of New Brunswick. Then the monster traveled down Hamilton Street, though given the poor quality of the road beforehand, residents did not notice anything different. Thanks to the superpowers of the Brower employees, the monster is usually subdued.