NEW RESEARCH DIVULGES SCIENCE “BEHIND” GHOSTS

Volume XLVIII Issue VII

BY BOO BEE: NEWS EDITOR

"TIME FOR SOME ECTOPLASM IN YOUR RECTO-PLASM" I have some serious reservations about the afterlife now.
“TIME FOR SOME ECTOPLASM IN YOUR RECTO-PLASM”
I have some serious reservations about the afterlife now.

PRINCETON—New research presented by Princeton Univer­sity suggests that ethereal spirits may, in fact, live among us.

“Unlike the psychologists over at Rutgers, us real scientists have reaped years of data which proves that ghosts actually ex­ist.” Dr. Rajnesh Kurian of the Physics Department reports.

Their location, Dr. Kurian went on to say, may come as a surprise to many. “Once we iso­lated the waves of the lingering souls, we found that basically…How can I phrase this delicate­ly? They live in your ass.”

Dr. Kurian’s research team even isolated the likelihood of one’s colon being possessed by the dead. “There’s a .879 prob­ability that there’s a ghost up your ass right now,” stated re­search assistant Lee Hung. “And that’s even higher if the asshole

has been widened somehow. In fact, if you’re gay or a porn star, you’ve probably got more than one spirit hanging out in there.”

But then, why isn’t every­one walking around like a pal­sied penguin what with an en­tire soul rammed up the behind? As Dr. Kurian goes on to explain, “Ghosts don’t always exist on this plane of reality. They are like Heisenberg’s cat in that they may or may not manifest them­ selves when you inspect your anal region. Of course, you’d know for sure if you had a live/dead cat in your ass! Anyway, it is only on rare occasion that they will flicker into full physical ex­istence.

“On such an occasion, loud moaning or wailing will emit from between the cheeks. At that time, you should visit your medium – or better yet, a proc­tologist.”

There is currently no cure to ass-ghost, although several Catholic priests have already stepped forward to offer their services to as exorcists to any prepubescent boys who may host. If undiagnosed and un­treated, a butt can transform into a full-blown limbo for the entire phantom population.

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