MEDIUM OPTS NOT TO KICK NOVA WHEN HE’S DOWN

BY REBELLIOUS JOHN CLAYTON: SPORTS EDITOR

POOR GUY Even the meanest of The Medium staff can appreciate that Gary just needs to be left alone right now
POOR GUY Even the meanest of The Medium staff can appreciate that Gary just needs to be left alone right now

 

PISCATAWAY— Local satire publication, The Medium, decided to take the high road this week with their coverage of the Rutgers-Penn State game. After an extremely poor performance by Rutgers oft-criticized quarterback Gary Nova, many students were expecting the newspaper to be filled with joke after joke at Nova’s expense. But The Medium sports editor had other ideas.

“I don’t know man, it just seems like low-hanging fruit,” said the editor, adding that Nova “must feel like absolute garbage after once again blowing what could have been a program-building win, so it would be kinda messed up to augment his misery by pointing out that the loss and the resulting agony and pain felt by the entire student body and fan base rests solely on his shoulders.”

“Put yourself in Gary’s shoes. Your defense puts up a heroic effort against a nearby rival, your team outplays the opposition at every single position but yours, the fans of a program decimated by irrelevancy for decades finally have something to cheer about, and you single-handedly ruin all of it for everyone. It’s already bad enough for you. Now imagine a campus newspaper exploding with hilarious jokes about your name being Gary Nova and you having ‘5 TurNovas’, how you could have done just about ANYTHING other than throw 5 interceptions so that we could have won the damn game against Penn Fucking State and stuck it to those cultish assholes from Pennsylvania that always have a better program than we do and steal our recruits from right under us. How would you feel then?”

“You’d feel pretty bad, I imagine. So that’s why we here at The Medium are opting not to crush Nova’s spirit any further by writing stuff about how he is a senior who has tricked us into thinking he could one day blossom into a halfway-decent quarterback despite proving time and again he folds under pressure and never will lead our program to new heights that we maybe could have reached had we stuck with Tom Savage at quarterback the last few years.”  “To point that stuff out so soon after a tough game for Gary would just be wrong.”

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