"HELL ON EARTH, MAN" The worst thing is how all these calamities happened all at once.
“HELL ON EARTH, MAN” The worst thing is how all these calamities happened all at once.

WASHINGTON, DC — President Barack Obama recently ordered airstrikes on Iraq in retaliation for Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. This US strike comes after a month-long barrage of rockets coming from across the border in Gaza. “Kim Jong Un has gone too far this time,” said Secretary of State John Kerry. “The United States cannot sit idly and watch ISIS behead Robin Williams.”

Following the US attack, Hamas began targeting civilian aircraft. One such plane, Malaysian Flight MH-666, was shot down over Ferguson, MO. Comedienne Joan Rivers, a passenger on board the airplane, was pronounced dead on impact. In response to the terror attack, a Ferguson police officer fatally shot Ray Rice’s fiancé. Since the incident, the Westboro Baptist Church has been rioting in Ferguson demanding that former IRS Director of Exempt Organizations Lois Lerner turn over e-mails containing nude photos of Jennifer Lawrence and other female celebrities.

The attacks led to a string of bad PR following the defeat of Lionel Messi’s Argentina in the first Big Ten game. Point guard Gary “TurNova” was reportedly seen in the dining hall after the game using an iPhone 6 Plus in lieu of a tray. Reports have claimed that, having no shot at an NFL career, TurNova will be joining the Italian State terrorist group.

In a completely unrelated incident, I heard you lost your Aunt this summer. I’m really sorry to hear that. She’s in a better place now. If you need someone to talk to just reach out.

Long Island Rail Road workers went on strike as a show of solidarity with the victims of the Iron Dome attack. A 12 day marathon of the popular cartoon “The Simpsons” was dedicated in memory of the late Michael Brown, who died of Ebola while doing the ALS ice bucket challenge. Michael Stipe was reported to have said “It’s the end of the world as we know it. It’s the end of the world as we know it. It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.”

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