U. Approves Removal of New SAC Traffic Light

BY Champ
JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHN

NEW BRUNSWICK—Rutgers University officials have approved a new plan to tear down the newly constructed traffic light at the Student Activities Center. The light has increased traffic congestion on George Street by almost 350%, which Rutgers’ planning committee has deemed completely unacceptable.

“The increase in traffic congestion isn’t what we planned on at all,” said Rutgers University planning official Bernie Williams, “a 350 percent increase is way too small. The flow of traffic on George Street is much too fast, so we’re looking at taking the light down and putting in a newer, much more complicated system of lights to slow traffic down from a crawl to essentially a standstill.”

Williams revealed that the new unit will be as absurd as humanly possible. The system will have a total of fifteen different lights. A minimum of six of the lights will be on at all times, but which particular lights are on at any given time will be completely random. “We even made one of the lights blue to ensure that nobody knows what the fuck the signal means. It’s brilliant. You can’t even turn there and we just threw in four or five arrow signals for shits and giggles. It’s going to be great.”

The Rutgers University Department of Transportation is also loving the new plans for slowing down traffic. Although RUDOTS has declined to comment, it’s widely understood that they love making the busses as inconvenient, insufficient, and inefficient as possible.
However, the students have suffered from the addition of the current light, and one Civil Engineering student is protesting the new light. “It takes me 50 minutes to get from Scott Hall to Livingston. Whatever dipshit designed it didn’t even include a timer, so sometimes these asshole kids just sit there and push the button just to watch the traffic stop,” says Civil Engineering student Robert Paterson. “I study traffic lights all day, and this thing is a fucking abomination. If they make it worse, I might as well just not go to class on Livingston at all.”

Well Robert, your 4:00 commute to Livingston is about to get a lot shittier.